24 Clear Signs I am NOT a Mother

“The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.” – Roseanne Barr

I am not sure if you have seen this or not, but I am constantly seeing it get ‘shared’ over Facebook. Someone wrote an article for The Huffington Post the top 24 clear signs you can tell you are a mother. The first point was “instead of running away from projectile vomit you run towards it” – they were all that ‘heartwarming’ and truly makes one WANT to have a child.

So, I decided to illustrate

notamother

missemma*No child was harmed during the taking of the above picture*

1. I will not, and have not, ever placed my face close to anyone’s ass to see if they are dirty. I don’t even understand this. I am pretty sure you can smell shit once you are in the same room as them, no need to go around sniffing. “Oh is someone dirty, let me smell”, hell no!!!

2. Speaking of shit, I roll my eyes in disgust at people who write about how it was such an exciting moment in their house last night because little Johnny not ONLY went in the potty but TOLD them he had to. What confuses me in the 15-20 comments they receive congratulating mommy, and daddy, and little Johnny. I will not comment nor like those statuses, do they want a gold star? Congrats for no longer having to place your face on their ass to smell for shit. High five.

3. I believe the worst part of McDonalds in the play centre. Kids screaming, running around, being loud, and parents who think it’s Gods’ gift to the world.

4. I have ‘date night’ 6 nights a week.

5. I do not carry food or drinks around in my purse if leaving the house.

6. I have no idea what channel kids programs are on. In fact, I don’t even think I have children channels…

7. I have not lost sleep because someone other than me is sick.

8. The closest I get to someone’s vomit is when I have held the hair of a drunken friend at a party.

9. I will not and have not bit the finger nails (let alone toe nails) of anyone. The thought of that disgusts me.

10. I do not sit here and pray for 5 minutes of silence. To be honest, I do believe there is such thing as TOO much silence. It will drive me nuts.

11. I will not examine the snot from anyone to figure out what shade of yellow/green it is. That is what a doctor is for.

12. Spontaneously leaving the house does not require advance planning and packing.

13. I do not know what it is like to need “me time”.

14. I can stay out as long as I want without worrying about the 15 year old babysitters curfew/if I will be judged by her/wondering what her parents think of me

15. I do not seek out toy aisles/stores for anything for a collection. Actually, I avoid them if all possible.

16. I have never stepped on Lego, and if I did I would throw it all out.

17. I have absolutely ZERO sympathy for mothers of screaming children in public. In fact I am probably that person staring at your like you are the devil. Mothers look at other mothers in sympathy when a child is acting up. I am trying not to verbally show my annoyance.

18. I do not understand why the first day of school is so hard. I believe you should be partying in the street screaming ‘FREE AT LAST’.

19. The biggest issue/worry I have to deal with on a daily basis is what I am having for dinner that night.

20. If I want to sleep all day – I can; without anything holding me back or anyone bothering me. And if for whatever reason I am getting bothered I can turn off my phone and all my problems are solved.

21. If I see anyone openly breastfeeding in public, or in the nursing section of the washroom, I get awkward.

22. What is a mommy group? What is done in a mommy group? Is it a playdate? Is there wine involved?

23. I think it is hilarious when kids swear. In fact, I would probably encourage it.

24. My mom still does my laundry and I am completely okay with that.

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15 thoughts on “24 Clear Signs I am NOT a Mother

  1. um. you know i love this and am with you on all of these items. haha. sometimes i almost feel like a snot because for example, the other night a friend of mine had extra tickets to this REALLY good comedy show that was sold out (that was going to be THAT night) and everyone was like oh ME ME until they realized it was for THATnight, in like 3 hours and then everyone was like ahhh sad because they had kids and didnt have enough time to plan and i was like MINE. thankyaverymuch. #winning

    • Hahaha, that is fantastic. It is so true! Everyone gets so excited and then “oh no. I can’t find a sitter that soon.” Life of a non parent totally rocks. I don’t need any of that hard work paying off crap that parents always say..

  2. Bahahaha, many of this things are exactly why I don’t have kids. I mean, I will someday, but that day is not anytime soon.

    P.S. Mike’s niece was sitting in the car with her mom a couple months ago. Her mom was checking her email on her phone and his niece was getting antsy so she said “Let’s get the hell out of here, Mom.” Her mom went “WHAT?!” and his niece started crying. She clearly had no idea what she said, but I wish I had been there to see it. So funny (although my storytelling via typing is pretty awful hah).

    • That is hilarious! I could totally picture it. I bet it is even more funny when hearing it. It is so funny because they say it in the right context with the right tone/expression and they have no idea the meaning behind it. There was a kid in the mall a few weeks ago who fell and said “Owww F*ck”. His parents looked mortified and I was doing the ugly laugh with the awkward snort.

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